Wednesday, March 24, 2010

How to get your husband to be romantic without him telling what to do.

Dear WIFE,


Here's a question I would like to ask, "How can you get your husband to be romantic without telling him what to do?"

I think that is a good question to ask. I invite all the WIFES that read this blog to chime in. I think that in the beginning, there needs to be a sit down talk about the things you like, desire or things that just turn you on. And give him and opportunity to do those things. I think that you should also ask him and listen to him about the things he would like more of and do those things too. You have to give to get in most situations, so if you are giving him the things that he likes but was not always expecting ~ it might make him think twice and want to return the favor! One thing about women, we have a tendency to want the world from the men in our lives BUT never tell them! So we are sitting there with our arms crossed, lips poked out and he is sitting there wondering what is wrong with us! We have to tell them first and give them a chance and time to respond.

In my household, my husband is actually the romantic one and he is the one that has expressed to me he wants me to be more romantic! Go figure. He plans our vacations, he's the one that is researching the cities we visit for activities to make sure we have a good time. He is thinking about who will watch the kids so we can have alone time. I was very romantic in our dating years so I know I have it in me BUT.... I guess now I have kids, bills, businesses, and shoot LIFE! The last thing I am thinking about most nights are lighting candles, playing R&B oldies, and walking in the room all slow and sexy LOL. BUT he told me that's what he wants, so one in a blue moon he comes home to a surprise! It's puts a big smile on his face.

So I say talk to him and tell him what you like and give him a chance to respond.
Chime in WIFES!

32 comments:

Anonymous said...

My husband and I started dating when I was 20 years old. My romantic expections were slim to none at that point. After we got married (and I got a little bit older) my expections changed. Even through the course of our marriage, my expectations have changed. My husband is wonderful. Great with the kids, great provider and always makes me laugh. We connect on so many different levels and I know he would do anything to make me happy but the problem is, someimes he just doesn't know what that is. We've talked about this several times and I keep getting the same response - "what do you want me to do" For me, if I have to tell him exactly what to do, then it's really not that romantic anymore. It's not about buying me expensive gifts or taking me out for fancy meals, it's about the little things. The unexpected. Doing something that I would never expect him to do. It could be something with the kids or something around the house. Just showing me that he is paying attention to me and appreciates me for all that I do. I certainly appreciate him and try my best to make sure he knows that. I make sure we have time together by sending the kids away for the weekend and planning special getaways but what about me? When is it my turn? Or should I just come to terms that this is just the way things are going to be?

Anonymous said...

I was just talking or fussing at my husband about this very subject this morning.... I am the romantic one. He can be, but I dont want to tell him what to do either. I am the one always choosing where we will go, what we will do. I dont want too. I appreciate all he does because he does a lot. But at the end of the day I want to come home to him having candles lit, bath water ran, flowers etc. I will continue to do what I do, but like the previous post what about me? I dont want to have to fuss or make mention. But what i will do is have a nice dinner and talk about what I want and see if I can step up my game as well.

Anonymous said...

I understand full well what the two previous ladies are talking about. I am the romantic of the two of us but like yall said I don't want to tell you what to do because then it won't be so romantic anymore. My significant other will (every blue moon) offer a massage or come home with flowers just because but my problem is I don't want it every blue moon; I want a little romance everyday...whether it be a little love note left on the fridge or a dozen roses sent to my job...just something to let me know you are thinking of me. Now how do we get him to do these things without telling him is the million dollar question. The only thing that would work IS communication because he doesn't know what you want until you tell him. Or just come to grips that he is just not the romantic you want him to be.

Anonymous said...

I believe the only way to get your husband to be romantic and give you the things you want is to sit down and tell him what you are looking for. He may just not know what makes you smile, turns you on, gets you excited. Is it a card from him telling you how much he loves you? Is it a nice candle lit dinner with jazz playing in the background? If it is, how will he know what you desure if you don't tell him. My husband is very romantic, it's me that has to work on the romantic stuff a little more. LOL. But like one of the ladies said, just have a conversation and tell him what it is you want. He may even surprise you and tell you a thing or two about what he wants more from you. Good luck.

Anonymous said...

This was good. thanks ladies... I am gonna go home and be romantical with my babes and let him know what I want and what makes me long for him... not to mention listen to him as well, and ask him what he wants and try to provide that. What i am doing is great, but he may have something else in mind.... Have a great conversation and then blow his mind. I guess I was being a little selfish by not throwing out hints. Wish me luck....

the wife said...

Reading the first comment made me think about how I have grown over the years too. I starting dating my husband when I was 23 years old. And I was still so independant, that I didn't really care about opening up the door, pulling out the chair, etc. Ya know chivalry! Not to say he didn't want to do that, I just didn't need it. When he would try, it was too late because I already opened the door or got my own chair. I didn't need a man to do that for me! BUT that was my thinking. Now that I am older, I know that mindset comes from me not having a father around (he's alive but wasn't around) to show me how a man should treat you in terms of being a gentleman. But now that I am older, I have grown and I want those things. But he doesn't do them now! LOL... why because I never required it. What's funny is he would do it when we were in front of friends b/c their husbands did it, but when we were alone he didn't do it. I now want my door opened, my chair pulled out. I want him to put me in the car first. For a long time I didn't say anything, I would start walking slower to see what he would do. Sometimes, he would catch on and sometimes he wouldn't. I found myself getting mad but then had to realize, he didn't know that I have grown into my womanhood and require more. Need more. So I had to have a conversation with him and let him know that I have grown. It's 10 years later. I don't like the same things I used to. I desire more. And you know what, he tries to make me happy. He said, he always wanted to do those things for me, but he it was me! *excuse the mistakes, I was typing super fast!

Anonymous said...

ok, now that I just got blasted by Ms. Wife! I posted a comment earlier but it didn't paste here. Anyway it's all good. Well, let's see if I can para-phrase what I said earlier. Basically, romance had to be present in the beginning of the relationship. I know you can teach an old dog new tricks but it can get frustrating when you keep going over the same trick when you have so many other tricks to teach. I have to say my husband is usually the romancer but I've done my share also (i think). I guess I look at it as if I romance him like that every time then he would be say "ugh, that again". But I have to say I have learned when to take it to the next level with romance. I use to hear women all the time talk about how you need to know your man. well, its true. Wait, Wait,Wait and Wham. LOL I think men do the same thing if it is in them from the beginning. They have to be willing to open up.

April Moncrief said...

I've been with my husband almost 20 years now (only 8 of those married) and I honestly think that it just depends on the man. Before "we" were married and in our dating stage, everytime I turned around it was a box of something or a kind of blindfold moment where he took me off somewhere romantic but now, after 8-years of marriage, 2 kids, a couple of stressful careers, bills, in-laws, etc., etc., he's just not that "intuned" to the romantic "stuff" that much nowadays. Now I will say, he is the most loving and sweetest guy you ever want to deal with but he's just.....a dude-lol! I love him dearly and would very much like for him to come in the house every now and again with a box, bag or just a "I'm taking the kids to the sitter and were headed......", it wouldnt even matter where, let's just go! However in my 20 years in "this relationship" with "this man" I've come to know that the only way (now-a-days) for him to do something truly romantic is to just DROP THE HINTS!

I dont doubt his love and his sincere adoration for me, it's just that he's not the guy in the novel I'm reading, or my friends truly romantic husband. As much as we feel like we shouldnt have to (drop hints or tell him just what we would like) we have to realize that he's human too and is just not wired in the same way that we (women) are. I think it's really based on who you're dealing with and if you just know that your husband is not going to ever really get it (you know, the whole romantic thing) then you need to just do what works for yall and if that's hint dropping or flat out telling him what you want or how you feel then I think that's what you do. And honestly, there will be those moments (every now and again) where he pops up with a little somen' somen' for you;-), it's happened to me quite a few times!

I think we as women have just got to really accept who were married to and just know that "our husband" is not the dude down the street or the guy we saw purpsoing to his girlfriend in the park (cause trust me, in due time and after a couple kids and life sets in on the new love birds, that woman may start to experience the same thing(s) that we're dealing with-Lol!). They love us truly but just may not show it in that fairy tale kind of way we (as women) always dreamed it should be. KNOW HIM, LOVE HIM, DROP THE HINTS and keep it moving.

Be Blessed and honestly I hope this helps and I hope you dont take my matter-of-factness' as harshness it's just that I've been in this game for almost 2o years and I'm JUST NOW starting to "get it" myself-lol!

April

Be Blessed!

Anonymous said...

I am spontaneous and just do things differently all the time. Sometimes he catches on which is wonderful and does really nice things as a surprise. When he doesn't "step up" on the romance tip, it is dissappointing sometimes, but for the most part, I'm cool.

wife K said...

My hubby get the bug only on holidays and do a pretty good job but otherwise Im the romantic freak it is like he dont know what to do any other time or feel that is the only time to do but enjoy it when it is being done for him. So as women we just have to give hints and bare with it as things go by until their is a change.

Lady G said...

@Anonymous said..... So, what you have to do is strategically have the candles lit, the bath water ran,flowers, and a full body massage utilizing an excellent scented oil until it finally registers to him that is what you want from him. Also, give him plenty of foreplay and passionate lovemaking is also needed to get him to do what you want him to do, of course he may catch on right away ,but eventually he will make a concerted effort to return your generosity.

hurt said...

ok I am only 19 years old and i have been married for 1 year so far...my husband is 23 and to think that at this age, that when they should be the most romantic but sadly everytime i tell him a romantic prase or we get in the mood, he ends up cracking a joke...he's into all that sexual stuff , its just that one time i would like for him to walk in the door holding a rse for no special reason or occasion just because he missed me and felt like getting it..people say easier said than done but in our relaionship its only done...i would like to hear a couple ofnice words from now and then

Anonymous said...

So what if you're in a situation where you have already talked to the man about what you want and what turns you on and he still doesn't do it? He keeps going back to doing the things that irritate me and turn me off, because those are things that work for him and he thinks it's funny? It's not funny and it doesn't put me in the mood. In fact it has the opposite effect. So what now? Every once in a while I get a nice massage from him if I had an intensly long hard day and I'm exhusted, which is nice, but it would be even better if he could do more of that when I don't feel exhusted just to do it because he wants to. Or take me out once in a while and have some close bonding time. We never get that anymore. I have talked to him and I have told him what I want and now I don't know what else I can do. He's a wonderful man and takes great care of me and loves me dearly, but he's lacking in the intimacy and romantic departments. Is this the way it's always going to be? :(

Anonymous said...

I think the thing which tells me my husband loves me is when we talk and laugh together. But I admit I want more. I've hinted, said outright that he needs to be more romantic, and even sent him a link to "Romance For Dummies." lol So far, I've gotten no real romantic gestures from him. I don't need them every day, but it would be nice to get flowers, a massage, a date night arranged ... whatever, as long as I don't have to tell him what to do. I'm not wanting him to read my mind. Just want him to think of something that shows how much he appreciates me. Why is it so hard for him? I do lots of things to show him I appreciate him - from cooking special dishes to funny or romantic cards or messages to impulsively bringing home a magazine I know he'll like. We've been together over 30 years. He should know me well enough by now to do something similar for me. Honestly, it makes me wonder if he really does know me!

BernettaStyle said...

Hello All,

I am Bernetta, the creator of this blog! I am just going back reading some of these post! I think I should keep writing on this blog because people are still coming on here and reading and posting. I love that. I think I will still write topics from time to time but not promote it. I will just write from the heart and if someone sees it, great. You all made my day (the march and april post!)

Anonymous said...

Tell him exactly what to do first; then give him the general idea; then ask him to improvise. No different from training a dog, a kid or an employee.

Anonymous said...

Its nice to read about all of your comments....I have been recently married less than 6 months and we dated for a year in long distance until he moved into the same town after we got married. He is awesome level headed person but when it comes to Romance and expressing affection , am not sure what happened in that department...I have not had any problems initiating a million times but get turned down 80% of the time....i have tried every method of communicating exactly what i desire and have asked him the same on how i could make him feel better but still he isn't interested.....He is 36 and am not sure if its like a "been there done that " zone , and am a very passionate person struggling with managing my feelings but i have suppressed most of my expectations just to accept him. I am ok not receiving any gifts and haven't ever gotten a card or flowers ...he is very caring and thoughtful around the house etc....i am completely at loss in how to address things as he just thinks i should do what makes me happy and am in control of my emotions ....i have failed after all my creativity to at least meet me half way and am not sure inspite of hearing if he's actually listening....but life goes on and we love each other a lot so am just keeping myself focused on everything else ....would love any words of wisdom.

Anonymous said...

So what do you do when you've tried telling him,giving him examples of what you want (like having a candle lit bubble bath drawn and a glass of cold wine), or have done the special meal with his favorite dessert ; ). And he still doesn't get it? We are coming up to our 25th wedding anniversary and quite frankly I just don't know what to. We have talked about it and he says he will try but then nothing happens. I am tired of waiting.

Frye Wife said...

I am 18 and have been married since December 30, 2011 and he is 19 I got married in High School and I have the same thing. He is amazing but I have told him what I like on many many many occasions. I know what he likes but then once I do that he asks me what I want him to do. I cook dinners I plan a couple things but then he will crack a joke or ask me so much of what I want him to do I just feel like I am done. I don't know what to do other than what I have been doing. I have tried to mix it up a little but I don't get anything from him.

Anonymous said...

My husband & I have been married 7yrs we have 3 kids. We have had some problems in our marriage but nothing major a few personality clashes however one of the problems we are currently having is NEEDS he has his & I have mine the problem with that is in our past I haven't been the most concerned person for my husband nor his needs, (something I'm working on, I am & have been very selfish) but more that I have realized I need to change I have done just that. I have been doing EVERYTHING HE HAD WANTED SEXUALLY! We r even talking about a 3 some (2 women, Im only doing this for him) I want ROMANCE, but when I request this from him he treks me "IT'S NOT HIM" & he makes very very little attempts to be romantic, he had also told me that I dont deserve him to be because of how inconsiderate I was towards him. I have excerpted this for sometime however I'm not into women...but I would b for benefit of our relationship to mention a 3 some involves another person being romantic in very intimate bringing us closer together what do I ned to do be what he needs in order to get what I need? Or am I stol being shellfish & thinking only of myself?

Anonymous said...

I have been with my husband now for nine years today and we had to post pone our plans because of life just getting in the way, but I still got him something because today is the day not next week and I was fully expecting something when he got home and I got nothing I have told him many times that I NEED certain things but I get no response. I think that I am romantic with him because I do, do the whole dress up, candles, music, heels and the whole nine yards he enjoys it very much when I do certain things that make him happy but I get nothing in return how can I really make him understand my needs!!!!

Anonymous said...

I personally am sick of asking for nights out, or romantic diners or time just with me for one on one time. I don't wan to be the initiator and have told him this several times. I've even told him what to do to be romantic to help him. He doesn't do those things. He want's me to continually initiate or request attention. I'm not that way and need spontaneous romantic events. His gifts to me are also inappropriate, I'm not trying to be ungrateful here. However, usually the gifts are more about him then me. I would just like once for a mothers day week end to be about me, and not him or whatever is going on. Its sad when I get questioned about infidelity when in fact there's ah no one else. Just him, and my school work to graduate with my BFA. I get he's a man and worries but I don't know what more to do to help him understand my personal needs beyond the physical. I don;t want much to be physical when there's no interpersonal interaction on a communication basis. I've told him this and he just gets depressed. I don;t get what's so hard about cooking me a meal. It doesn't have to be fancy and it doesn't have to be worth tones of money. Jeez I'm a easy going kind of girl it could be a little as a picnic lunch and I'd be over joyed. Any ideas how to help me and my husband become more relaitable to each other again? I really do try to understand him, but find it hard when I constantly get ignored when I suggest him things to try.

Anonymous said...

I don't really think anyone will read this but I'm in the same boat as the vast majority of the above are. One thing that my husband and I worked out that seems to work and gives him ideas is putting ideas on what I want on little pieces of paper and putting them in a puzzle box that a friend of mine brought back from Afghanistan. It has two keys. He opens it and gets an idea then he does it. It makes is random and spontaneous.

Joan Jones said...

My husband dosent have a romance bone in his body, i will go all out making someyhing special for dinner, or try to get close to him, but he just eat dosent or ever compliment i feel am fighting battle. I get so fustrated can somebody, any body help me.

Jeannine Little said...

I found a great tip online that would have never thought of. I'm a classic textbook romantic. I want hearts and flowers all the way but my husband could care less. Its been a hard contrast.
He said he would be happy to take me on dates again. I'm not talking going through fast food and catching the newest action film, I mean a walk on the beach, a candlelight dinner a homecooked meal really anyhing. But he never plans anything and his idea of romance isn't the same as mine. So here is what we are going to try. We are planning dates all at once. Writing them and putting them in an envelope. Label the envelope with weather or time reatrictions. All I will have to do is say I want to have a romantic night out he can pick a card and have whatever date is in there. Easy for him, romantic for us, stress free for me.

Mrs. Medina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

I think a threesome is selfish on his part. He married you!

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Anonymous said...

Hmmm... I'm a man and all I'm reading here is "I want, I want, I want." Even the title of this piece points out women's absurd logic: how to get a man to do something without telling him. I know you've heard this a million times, but: MEN ARE NOT MIND READERS! If you want something you need to tell him. You need to stop watching Disney princess movies and get real. Why is it that women have all these needs, but men never do? I would never ask my wife to jump through all these hoops (and guess which hoops to jump through on top of that) for me. You're selfish and will never be satisfied. If your guy happens to guess what you like, you'll change the rules. No wonder men have stopped trying. Have fun dying alone; you've earned it.

Anonymous said...

What about the man's desires? Aren't his needs as important as yours?

- I don't want to pay for overpriced flowers, chocolates, or meals just because Hallmark tells me to
- Lingerie is silly; if you want it then get it but don't expect me to like it
- I actually like spending time with the kids; why are you always so eager to get away from them?
- If you want to take a bath, then take a bath! I don't need to be involved.
- I don't drink, so if you want wine then get it yourself.
- I don't ask anything of you, so you have no right to demand anything from me.
I'm so sick of selfish, entitled women. Be a big girl and take care of yourself the way men do.

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