Friday, September 10, 2010

Is it ever OK to go through your spouse's cell phone?

Good morning all,

I hope your Friday will be a blessed one and your weekend will be full of GOOD surprises. The topic today comes from a good friend of mine, Tosha! Is it ever OK to go through your spouse's cell phone? Well, is it? Does it matter if they know or not? Meaning is it ok to grab it while your spouse is right in front of you or while they are in the shower? I really think it's a personal preference.

How often are you looking through their phone? Is it daily, weekly, monthly - or once in a blue moon to just make sure everything is on the up and up. It's a difference to look through their phone because you are specifically looking for a number of a mutual friend that you might not have in your phone (that's what my husband told me when I walked in the room and he had my phone ;), versus actually picking up the phone with intentions to find something that shouldn't be there (text, photo, email, numbers of another chick, etc.). Most of the time - people are only looking because they either want to find something or make sure their worst fear is not reality. BUT if you are checking your spouses phone ALL-THE-FREAKING-TIME - I would ask myself WHY? Did he do something that made you suspicious? Did you do something, so now you think he might be doing something (ummm hummm, gotcha!)? Are you just insecure? Do you have a constant TRUST problem? Or do you just want to know sometimes that he is still doing the right thing?

I am not saying it is OK or NOT OK to go though their phone. It's a question to ponder on and do what works for you. Have I gone through my husbands phone. Yes. Have I ever found something I didn't like sent by him? Actually NO. Do I do it ALL the time? Absolutely No. I can't count on one hand in the 7 years (this September is our anniversary!) that I have looked on his phone. Why, because he behavior doesn't make me desire to look at who he is calling, texting or whose calling or texting him. I think my curious (nosey) self is what caused me to look in the first place. You know what.......since the question was asked, I will just answer.... Yep, it's ok sometimes! BUT as long as it's ok if he goes through yours sometimes too.

Funny story - A friend of mine has a friend whose husband had pick up HER cell phone and started going through it! Well low and behold he found a naked picture of Trey Songz and I have seen that picture - MAN OH MAN is all I have to say! The husband asked her to remove the picture! The wife had received the picture via a text from another friend and let the husband know. He still ask that she remove it. And even though it was a CELEBRITY, not his co-worker, ex-girlfriend, church member (lol) he still wanted it off. Sooooooo, if your hubby had a naked picture of Beyonce on his phone - would you ask him to remove it. I probably DEFINITELY would. Like I said, I saw the picture of Trey Songz and kept it moving, I didn't save or store it. It's nothing I would be holding on too for sad and lonely nights so why should the hubby. Sorry I went off on a tangent.

Have a great weekend!


Carlinda said...

Wow good topic…however the answer should be no. Why is there a need, do you not trust your spouse? What are you looking for in the first place.

Jackie said...

Awesome question. My question is why are you going through their cell phone? It is a question of mistrust or insecurity on your part? Why would want to add extra stress to your live worrying about whether your spouse is cheating or not. Don't you have enough stress in your life with dealing with day to day stuff and unexpected things the devil try to throw at you. If they are cheating the truth will come to light. I knew someone that would do this and came across a number of someone they didn't know so they called and curse the person out, accusing them of cheating with their spouse and the end result was the spouse lost their job because it was the number to one of the bosses at their job. All the person was doing was being a backup for the boss on a project while they was out of town.

If you spouse haven't given you any reason to believe they are cheating and you feel you have to always go through their phone maybe you should re-think about being married. No sense of making that person life unhappy because of your mistrust. In the long run you may push the spouse into cheating or leaving you.

Anonymous said...

Coming from an ex-wife's perspective:
I did check my ex-husband's cell phone and to my discovery, he was seeing several women and a bisexual man. That was the last straw that proverbially broke the camel's back. I am glad that I left him when I did cause his current wife doesn't know the man she married and that evenutally will cost her, her own life......don't stay with him for stability can't you make it on your own. Are you co-dependent on him or can't let go because you love him. Then, stay with him and pay the price.....

ToshaDevon said...

I don't think it's ever right to go through your spouse' cell phone...unless they want you to get something out of it for them. My Ex went through my phone "looking" for what he believed was dirt...well he found a text message from a longtime friend...and of course he misinterpreted it. I believe I was more angry at him for going through my phone...I mean I was heated. I had never given him any reason to suspect that I was cheating. Believe me...if your spouse is doing will find out eventually! If it walks like a duck and quacks like a's not a rabbit!! Thanks B!

Anonymous said...

When I married my husband I changed all of the "I's" to "us" and the Mine's to "ours." My husband and I share a life, a child, a home, a bank account, secrets, thoughts, emotions, and intimacies. I would never forbid my husband of going through my phone. What would the point be? To grasp onto some form of personal privacy? I have nothing to hide, he can scroll through it at any moment of the day.

Anonymous said...

I need help with this similar situation. I have never gone through my husbands phone but last week it was left out by mine and text popped up. It was from a girl I didn't know and said something about kissing, and other stuff and sorry couldn't meet. What do I do????? It's been bugging me bc I know I have trust issues alone with some personal issues of myself. He knows that. I am torn, I don't know if I should tell him or ask him seems wrong to. He did leave to go out of town for just overnight last weekend. Makes a feeling in my gut not so good. I work weekend job so it makes it hard. PLEASE HELP!

Anonymous said...

Also same thing, I have no problem him going through my phone and we share bank accounts as well. It took us awhile to do so with all the moving around we did this past year from out of state but finally are all under one bank. I just don't know if I need to not say anything but doing that with already trust issues from the past of course drive me nuts :) I to in the end do not want to ruin my marriage but I don't want my marriage to be a lie and ever find out 20 years from now either.

Anonymous said...

Women usually snoop because their spouse has given them a reason. My experience has been that each time I snoop I find something. That is how I found out my husband was having an affair. If a woman looks and she doesn't find anything she will not habitually snoop. Whenitnbecuase a habit then you need to think twice about your relationship especially if you always find something. It means your man cannot be trusted. When I ask men their thoughts on it the response is if the man has nothing to hide he has no issue with his spouse looking and that. Bathe man must have given his woman a reason to snoop and understand that it is just what some women do

Anonymous said...

I feel that its an issue of respect and if a spouse hasnt given any reason to snoop then it shouldnt be done. My wife and I have been married three yrs and I have knowkedge of her snooping in my phone on several occasions which has caused me much pain, anger and sorrow. I have always been honest with her on all things and the thanks I get is having my character and integrity to come into question for no reason at all. If it bothers her so much then I would be more than happy to allow her to look, however its just very disappointing. I dont ever snoop in her phone, purse, drawer or anything else that could harbor any secrets she may have. I cant help that my wife has insecurity issues from past relationships but i feel its no reason to put her mistrust in me when i havent given her any reason not to. Am I wrong to feel this way ?

msellesm said...

People, when u get married do u automatically lose who u are as an individual? The answer to that should be No. I disagree with all the posts where it says that u share everything w ur spouse. That is impossible. It's also called unhealthy enmeshment due to ur insecurities. Have u no respect nor trust for ur spouse? Then u should have thought this thru before u got married. Give each other space and the benefit of the doubt. If u don't, it's the quickest way to ruin ur relationship. No snooping. Trust and respect urself and ur spouse or get out.

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Confront him.

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I don't have a problem with my husband going through my phone but if he is going to make a BIG DEAL about selfies I take then he needs to stay out of my phone because I have enough stress already dealing with every day life, and now just because you don't like a "selfie" I took in the lady's room at work then you have insecurity and trust issues. I am not about to address a non-issue with someone I have been with for 17 yrs. and yes, has cheated. I just don't have time for that! He's lucky I am still with him!!

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