I got this question in an email from a good friend! She gave me a list of topics and this one jumped out to me tonight. So here we go.... Here is her complete statement below:
"Your friends are your friends and my friends are my friends. No spies from his or her side trying to gather information on you to report back. Please."
I think the statement is an interesting one. I see where she is coming from BUT I see the other side too. I personally have friends from before my hubby came in the picture (high school and college) and of course he does too. We also have friends that we have acquired as a couple. Honestly, sitting here thinking about friends makes me think about who I trust more...my friends from before him (because they are MY friends and would never sell me out to him no matter what!) or my friends I got while being married and their husbands is my husbands friend too (I say that because women have a tendency to talk about soooo much with their spouse and I need to know that what I say stays with us). I have a friend that is going through a divorce and my husband knows her and has met her soon to be ex-husband maybe twice. I told him they were separating and left it at that. Then he start trying to get all deep, "Why", 'Whose fault?" "What happen?" I could have told him alot more than I did, but I held back because that is MY friend and because she doesn't even talk to my husband like THAT, I felt he didn't have the right to know her business. Now if it was a mutual couple friend of ours - no problem. I think the only friends that we have separate are the ones we knew before we got married, BUT of course he has met them all (men and women), but all communication comes through me. Now our friends that we have acquired since being married, of course I get along with the husbands and he gets along with the wives and if the other needs to call their spouse for something its no big deal (we go to church with most of our married friends).
As for gathering information and reporting back to the spouse....WHEWWWW! Are they really your (or his for that fact) friend? Once you get wind of that, I would limit time spent or our conversation could only go so far. PERIOD....
Married life isn't always easy, but with the right person - It is always worth it. This blog is my journey in the mighty married life, showing the good, bad & the great. The hubby, the kids & just life! Some topics are sensitive and some are a blast! Either way, I am going to try to enjoy life!
4 comments:
What are the ten good things that you can say about your spouse versus ten bad things that upset, irritate, or annoy you the most?
I HAVE TO QUESTION THAT WHEN A PERSON COMES TO YOUR PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT AND GATHERS INFORMATION, QUITS THEIR JOB, AND RELOCATES TO THE SAME PLACE AS MY EX. LOGICALLY, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK? I AM NOT STUPID OR THE SUBJECT OF STUPIDITY THAT IS YOU AND FOR THE RECORD YOU ARE SO BUSTED........
As someone who lives very very very far away from all of my friends from my hometown as well as those that I made in college I find it hard to walk the tight rope of friendship. Loving a man raised in a totally different culture than my own has taught me many life lessons. One of the biggest issues is dealing with women from that culture. The women I am referring to are all married and play the role of the submissive and domesticated wife far better than I do. Could it be because my parents separated when I was three and I never had the opportunity to live within a household where the woman had to compromise and make sacrifices for her husband that I don't understand. All that said, the guise of friendship with these women is also tainted with their jealousy about who I am or who they think I am. In addition, 99.9% of them are mad that he didn't marry someone from their own culture. In front of him they are picture perfect and always helpful. When he is not around out come the questions that at one point I thought was just simple curiosity, but often soon turned into snide remarks said in a playful manner. Not knowing how to react I often respond to them in an equally playful way. This is what they want. Anything to ruffle your feathers. The husbands are not involved and they often love me and my cooking; which their women can't stand. Who am I to know how to cook their food better than them and have their man? I had to school them on my Mamma's Creole background and how they can make anything taste good. Now I know what white women feel when some crazy black chick is in her face talkin' 'bout "leave our men alone". But these women don't roll thier necks and scream, they appear like Geisha's when he is around, while trying to slowly break me down behind the scenes. I know this is long but the topic of friendship in marriage is one that really hits home for me.
uhm, as for me. Due to jealousy I was very picky with my friends growing up so they are very limited. Also living so far away(and some have moved away from our hometown) from my small group of friends limits any interaction with them. However, we live close to husband's hometown and most have not moved away so he still has a pretty close relationship with them. I felt for a long time that many of them would reflex back to their high school relationship when we would come home. For a while, he would go over to their homes and leave me at his house. I found that strange but then came to realize it was more of a security issue with him. Meaning, he didn't care much for me as a female being over there with two or more men. As a few got married it was different. Then they divorce and it changed again but the relationship I built with them never changed. Now they come to my husband's home much of the time. I never felt he was hiding anything but do realize conversations came about that his friend may not have wanted me to hear. Also, I'm sure they relived stories of the past. His friends would tell me things I'm sure my husband would love to forget but that's how we began to bond. I do wonder sometimes if things don't work out and they had to choose what side they were on who would they pick. uhm.... So i guess having individual friends is ok as long as each partner knows them and the actual relationship you have with those friends. I don't think you should hide info but if your friends rather you not speak of it then they should let you know that and in turn you probably should mention that to your spouse. I think a lot of time we just want to be nosey to what's going on.
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