Monday, May 3, 2010

Can you be married and still be attracted to other people?

Hello all,

This question actually came from a male co-worker. I told him about my blog and he said, "Here, I have a question for you! Can you be married and still be attracted to other people? I struggle with that." I didn't really answer the question then, but I told him I would post it.

Now of course we are not talking about being married and obsessing over Celebrities!! We all do that...most of us. But I am sure he was talking about regular everyday people. My answer is yes. Why? Because married doesn't mean blind. There are attractive people are over the place. As I am sitting here typing, it just hit me, "He said he struggles with that?" Hummmmmmmm. I don't struggle with it. If I see someone attractive, I look and keep it moving. But if there was a struggle (for me) that means that I am sitting there thinking about more than just, there goes an attractive man. I might be thinking he can get it! LOL! Or how can I get his attention or how can I say hello!... If I struggled with it. BUT I don't. So for him to tell me he kinda struggles with it, what does that mean for him. Is his being attracted to other women while being married - a struggle because he lets his mind go beyond being attracted to pretty lady to letting his mind go into fantasy land.

Like I said, every day ol' regular attractive men for me.... no problem, no biggie, look and keep it moving. But let Pooch Hall (Derwin from the Game) walk by my desk! Haaaaaaaaa just playing, wink wink!

What about you? Since you said I do, has anyone caught your eye?

10 comments:

Miss Sophia said...

Hi WIFE...I think you can be "attracted" to someone else...meaning you find them appealing to the eye...I mean we are "married" not "blind"!! I believe as long as you do not act upon your "attraction", then it's harmless!! But when you take it to the next level and give out your phone number and start conversing...well then that's another ballgame and topic altogether!! Toodles...Miss Sophia

Chrissy said...

Of course. It's perfectly normal to find others attractive. I think the difference between us and men is men tend to be more visual people and women tend to want to connect on a different level. Wife, I bet if you met Pooch and he was a total jerk or you didn't connect with him on any level, your attaction to him would probably change where men can still be attacted to a woman even if there was no other connection. That is probably why your co-worker struggles with being attracted to other women. I don't struggle with it either because I don't allow myself to connect with anyone on that level. I can walk by an attractive man, say "DAMN" to myself and keep it moving without a second thought. Make sense?

Lotta said...

I am in agreement with all the comments said thus far.....OF COURSE You can FIND someone Attractive...We R Married NOT BURIED!! :^) LOL!! You are lying to yourself IF U say YOU R NOT!! It is perfectly normal to find others attractive Besides Your Husband/Wife. However, it is NOT OK, to ACT on those Attractions. You must distinguish the attraction from the lusting after someone is totally different (wanting physical intimacy). IF you are thinking about someone else in an intimate way other than you spouse; then that is a problem. You need to examine yourself and wonder WHY do you want to be intimate with someone else besides your spouse. You must consider your commitment to your spouse before anything goes beyond that attraction or thoughts. IF all else fails realize how would you feel IF your spouse was having these thoughts about someone else.....YOU would NOT be fine with that!! All in all it is Healthy and Normal to fine other people attractive, BUT NOT Acting on the Attraction is the key.

Anonymous said...

I think I know what your co-worker means. He is not just talking about finding someone attractive who is walking by at a restaurant, he is talking about someone who he is in contact with on a regular basis that he has gotten to know more personally. Physical attraction wouldn’t be a problem for most people, but this goes beyond that. This isn't just physical anymore, although that is certainly a part of the package. We can't really control desire, part of it is beyond our consciousness and power. Some of the appeal between two people is chemical, but feels emotional and physical. You may start at “he’s cute”, but soon progress to “he’s funny, clever, sensitive, understanding” etc. These feelings are no better or worse than what you felt when you were first attracted to your spouse, they are just inconvenient. In some cases, you can simply remove yourself from a situation to try to minimize temptation or guilt, but this is not always easy in the case of a co-worker, teammate, classmate, neighbor or friend. Your co-worker’s struggle doesn’t come from being a bad person, it comes from being human. At least he considers it a problem and not an invitation to wander. It’s not really what we feel that is the issue, it’s the choices we make. Do I believe you can be attracted to another person (and I mean really attracted, not just admiring of someone’s physical appearance)? As a matter of fact, unless you live in a cave in the woods, I would be surprised if at some point in your life you weren’t.

Ms. AJ said...

To answer your question: Yes, one can be married and still be attracted to other people. It could be that the attraction is to this person's personality or it could be a sexual attraction. In order to understand why a man would struggle with this, you would have to know how men are designed. Men are visual, and just because they see something does not necessarily mean that they keep it moving. Many men (and women) struggle with pornography in their marriages. Sometimes, seeing a beautiful woman can trigger this struggle. My pastor, R.A. Vernon, stated in one of his series about his days working in construction. He said that it was a moment by moment decision to not look at a woman. If he happened to see her, he refused to take a second look, even though he was tempted to look again. God-fearing men are like this because they know that indulging in something, even if it's as innocent as visually "accepting" the beauty of a female who is not his wife, can lead to the wrong things. This gentleman who is struggling may feel guilty about feeling attracted or may not know how to deal with those feelings properly.

My pastor isn't like many men out there, and the men he trains up are not like many of the men out there. They really take living right seriously. It's inspiring and lets me know that there are men out there who want to do right and will do right by their family.

While I was married, fine men didn't phase me until there was so much lacking in my relationship. I think that men are different... and yet the same. Most will not consider cheating when their relationship is on point, but will always have that conqueror mentality that they have to cast down. This area may be easier for some men than others. However, there is no comparison for how women deal with this issue and for how men deal with this issue because we are not designed the same way in this area.

Southern Wifey said...

Yes, you can be married and attracted to someone else. I believe we cross the line when it becomes more than attraction... thoughts, conversations, flirting and the like with that person. Those actions go beyond the attraction stage. I have been attracted to someone since I have been married... I had to pray to God about my thoughts concerning the other person. I never let the other person know I was attracted to them though and I never said anything. I acknowledged what I was feeling and I took it to God in prayer... and I kept my MOUTH shut!!! It was tough too.. he was a hottie!!! LOL

The Brothers Corner said...

Yes you can be attracted and thats it, but you have to guard your eye and ear gate. I took my princess to the salon to get her hair done and man it was alot of foine women in that salon. Now they know my wife because she is a weekly regular so they know I am married. There was one who was single and full of conversation who has risen the corporate ladder and is doing the doggone thang. Nice 30 something sister who offered to be a mentor to my princess, then quipped that she did not mind me bringing my child over and then "chill" . Now I aint stupid I know thet translated into while I have your child doing some activity or glued to the WII you can come bend it up in me. Yes I paused for a moment, contemplated getting caught and then dismissed it. For the first time since I have been married I really paused, time to go to God in Prayer. My ring seems to be a catchers mitt for women who want to get Screwed and chopped. This is why I dont wear my band all that much, especially while I am alone.

The WIFE said...

@Brothers Corner! I am so glad you wrote on here. Let me ask you a question though about the last thing you said... you don't wear your ring much because women seem to hit on you more? Does your wife know you don't wear your ring because of that reason? Does your wife know you don't wear your ring often? How long have you been married?

LADY G said...

Probably, your male co-worker has conflicting feelings and is considering yielding to temptation. Maybe, he is torn between being attracted to other women versus his wife. Is he contemplating cheating on his wife or is he losing ground? Try to remember the reason why he married his wife in the first place? Attractive women should be taboo for happily married men so are you sincerely happy or just putting on a front? ARE YOU GOING THROUGH YOUR FIVE YEAR ITCH, YET AND IN NEED OF SCRATCHING IT?.......LOL

Anonymous said...

I myself agree with Lady G and Ms. AJ! An idle mind is the devil's playground! Man don't u dare fall to that temptation! Get focused and pray to God about your issue and move forward, don't look back! U are an adult and u know right from wrong, don't allow that you move into your life....