Thursday, March 4, 2010

Can you be Friends with your "Ex"?

Well well well.... what a question. Again, I was emailed this question by a faithful WIFE follower and I think this is a question many of us have thought about. From both perspectives, ours and theirs. But let's talk about it from ours. I believe you can be friends with your EX? I am friends with my ex's. Why do I believe you can be? To me its all about choice. You can choose to be friends "just be friends" or choose to be more like "friends with benefits". You know your comfort level around this ex boyfriend and you know what you can handle. And remember it's not about them, but it's about you. Can you really look at an ex boyfriend and sit in his presence and not desire him in any way, shape or form? Can you really sit there and not have flashback? Can you really sit with him and always keep the conversation friendly and if they try to take it there (with conversation) you can quickly bring it back to what's right? Can you bring your EX around your husband without feeling funny or uncomfortable? Can your husband even handle you being friends with your EX? Also, what type of ex is he? Is he an ex where you dated for a couple of weeks and all you did was kiss here and there. You weren't even in love. Or is he the ex where you were together for months or years, you were crazy lovers and definitely in love! Can you be JUST friends with that? Can you bring that past around your present? Do you want to? It's something to think about.


Again, I am friends with my EX but again it's a choice how friendly you get. Being friends doesn't mean talking everyday or seeing each other often. It could mean you just check in on each other from time to time. It could mean when you see each other, you are genuine and not bitter. You are happy for each other and want to see each other do good. And it means letting the past be the past an embracing a "Friendship Relationship" and not a "Boy/Girl Friend Relationship" anymore.

Should your husband know you are friends with your EX? Whewwwww. That's a hard one.
The politically correct answer should be YES. Yall heard me? The politically correct answer should be YES. BUT..... you know your husband and I am going to leave it at that?

Chime in WIFES!

13 comments:

Mia said...

I am struggling with this as we speak. My ex and I are friends and although I have my boundaries set, he doesn't. But I can say that he respects me and my decision to continue to move forward and be with my boyfriend. The fact that he stays in another state (hundreds of miles away) helps with any temptation that may arise if we were in close quarters. In my case, I can be friends with my ex and I think that anyone would be able to if they have the strength to keep it that way. My boyfriend is still friend with his ex wife so if he can do it, then I can too. :)

Anonymous said...

Thank you for posting this question! I have been married for 9years and once I was married I thought that it would be easy to let go and forget about past relationships, but I have found that it is rather challenging! I also found that things are ok until you are in the presence of that person. I can remember vividly "running into" my ex in '06....prior to seeing him, honestly I thought I was completely over any feeling I had towards him, but I later found myself (after seeing him)....constantly thinking about him and I really had to pray about the situation because as many of us know...thoughts, even thoughts, are not good! I can say it literally took my some months to get him out of my mind...I remember as I was leaving that day, him asking for my number or email...as much as I would have loved to be in contact with him...just to talk and see how he's doing every now and then I knew it would have been too tempting...there's another situtation in which another ex found me on myspace and wrote me this long email about how sorry he was for the things he did in the past...I accepted his apology and wished him well, but he also wanted to send a "friend" request on myspace which I declined because I know the type of person he was and is and I knew his motives were not right...so with that being said..I believe it is ok to be "friends" with an ex but it's important to set boundaries and to be discerning of which ones to be in contact with!!

Anonymous said...

Great comments ladies. You are making me think. I have some ex's that I can look in their face and not feel a thing. But I have an ex that I still love so much that if I see him, I am gonna want to at least do more than talk. The funny thing is he feels the same way. But we have acknowledge our feelings and try our best to keep it friendly at all times. I like what the intro of the blog said today about it being a choice. And I like what the second wife wrote about it being hard to get an ex out of your head sometimes after you see them. I am thinking about one now! LOL

WIFE J

wife K said...

it depends on what type of relationship you had with them if it was on a good note then yes but if it was a bitter one then maybe not I too agree that it is a choice just as to love someone is and if there are an understanding between the two then why not even out to lunch but watch the convo you carry on and never talk about the spouse with them.

Anonymous said...

This has been my struggle almost the ENTIRE time I have been married. (And I have been married almost 8 years.) In my particular case, it is NOT okay to have my "favorite ex" as a friend. PERIOD. (I find being civil and distant friends with my other exes is fine though as long as we don't talk often and no flirting is done and nothing inappropriate is said after they've been warned... I think some of them just have to try you to see if you're willing...) My fav. ex and I have tried and it is just too tempting....Too much history, too many feelings, too much knowledge of each other's likes and dislikes, just waaaaay too much. We were best friends until recently but when it came to the fact that we were best friends but my husband and I aren't nearly that close or even moving in that direction as time progresses, a thick line needed to be drawn and a choice needed to be made. I have decided that it is too much of a danger to my family and to my salvation to have this person in my life. The Bible says that neither fornicators nor adulterers shall inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9-10) and knowing this has pretty much kept me in line. (Also Matt 5-27-28.) If you are struggling with this and you want to save your marriage, always trust that the Lord will give you the strength that you need to be faithful to your spouse mentally, physically and emotionally. And never set yourself up for failure by being alone with an ex that you are even slightly attracted to because THE FLESH IS WEAK & EVIL IS NEVER SATISFIED. A little bit here, then a little bit there until you've gone farther than you ever thought possible. My ex is like a drug/addiction to me so it is important that I not try to be friends with him "in moderation" but that I not be around or talk to him at all. Now I just pray that any thoughts of him be pushed out of my mind (and when I do this I ask the Lord and believe and KNOW that it is done, I don't just keep waiting for the thoughts to disappear) and I also pray for him from afar... It's tough but know yourself and then decide accordingly. Many blessings to you, Wives!!!

Mrs. Walking Away said...

Man, that last comment hit me in the gut! That is what is going on with me. My EX is whewwww! BUT when you said neither fornicators or adulterers shall enter the kingdom of God, if you repent and believe Jesus is your Lord and savior you will enter the Kingdom of God. I say that because hardly NO ONE is a virgin before we got married and that means we are all going to hell. And I don't believe that to be true. But I like you, have the same feelings around my ex and you stated it so well. I this day am going to try to walk away.

Ms. Walking Away

Anonymous said...

Go, Ms. Walking Away! You can do it! Walk away-- RUN if you have to! Lol I agree with you about repenting, but it has been a habit of mine to do whatever I wanted to do and then repent. Repeatedly. An affair is too permanent and can't be taken back. God will forgive us but if hubby finds out, he may choose to not forgive. "Repent" is what my ex told me to do the last time we almost went "too far" and I wanted to confess what all HAD gone down with him to my husband. Mind you, this would have been the second time we had a close call. (After the first time, my husband never wanted to see my ex or even hear his name ever again...) I'd rather just avoid the whole situation and stay away from him. We have proven that we cannot be alone with each other. God knows our hearts and whether or not we're trying our best or whether we're just trying to make it LOOK like we're doing our best when we're really choosing to set ourselves up for trouble. This is tough for me as well, but I believe that it can be done and will be well worth it when it comes to keeping our families intact.

Ms. Walking Away said...

Thank you! I am going to try to WALK AWAY!

Ms. Walking Away!

CrazyWife said...

Whhooo what a questiom, i sit here with a grin on my face as i read you all comments, cause i can so relate! I had to set certain boundaries, that we just cant cross, and for me that means no lunch meeting, phone calls, I hardly can handle facebook messaging!!! Its just to tempting for me, especially since things are a little shaky and not consistant with the hubby, and I always wonder how diffrent things would be if we would have took our relationship to another level. As someone stated before, with the history we have, knowing each others likes and dislike....to tempting! I know how he feels about me, and have told me plenty of times, you know you should be my wife. So for me NO its not safe to be friends with my ex...to much temptation for me and besides Im trying to inherit the Kingdom! LOL

The Wife said...

To Crazy Wife!

In your case you can't be friends, b/c it seems like you are still in "I just might not be over him stage and if I am alone with him, he might can get it!" LOL

But I am glad you know your boundaries! That's a good thing.

Yaniyah said...

I think you can be friends with your EX if you both are truly "over" each other and are BOTH respectful of each other's current situations. That includes NOT asking about each other's relationship situation and sharing your current relationship business. Those are total violations. If one or the other can not respect all boundaries, the "friendship" should be terminated because it will lead to disaster.

LADY G said...

I HAVE BEEN KNOWN MY EX SINCE 1984. HE HAS EVOLVED OVER THE YEARS. HE HAS BEEN REMARRIED FOR CLOSE TO THREE YEARS. I ONLY WANT TO BE ON AMICABLE TERMS ONLY AND DO NOT WISH TO CAUSE CONFUSION BETWEEN HIS CURRENT WIFE. THOSE ARE THE BOUNDARIES THAT I HAVE SET. HOWEVER, THE CURRENT WIFE I SUSPECT HAS OTHER PLANS, WHICH MEANS NO CONTACT WHAT SO EVER. I HOPE SHE IS NOT BEING INSECURE BECAUSE I AM NO LONGER IN LOVE WITH HIM, BUT I JUST WANT TO GET ALONG.

Win Mr said...


If your man is pushing you away and acting distant

Or if the guy you’re after isn’t giving you the time of day...

Then it’s time to pull out all the stops.

Because 99% of the time, there is only 1 thing you can say to a standoffish guy that will grab him by the heartstrings-

And get his blood pumping at just the thought of you.

Insert subject line here and link it to: <=========> Your ex won’t be able to resist?

Once you say this to him, or even send this simple phrase in a text message...

It will flip his world upside down and you will suddenly find him chasing you-

And even begging to be with you.

Here’s what I’m talking about: <=========> Is your man hiding something? He may need your help?

Thanks again.