Thursday, May 13, 2010

Does your husband have PHYSICAL Requirements for you to ABIDE by?

Good Morning and Happy Friday Ladies!

Before we start the discussion, please check out CELEBRITY WIFE and DEAL of the DAY today! I posted my first story and deal! LOL And just like the blog, I will try to update it every other day.

Ok...Now to the topic. This topic was sent by a friend of the WIFE BLOG and she has a friend whose husband has physical requirements; weight, make-up, hair, etc. And although it seems like the WIFE does what he ask (requires) of her, it's alot of pressure to keep this up for him and has had difficulty discussing this with him. 

NOW NOW NOW! To me this is crazy! I was going to wait until next week to post this topic but I started talking to my BFF about it and we both started going off! LOL. I said, "My husband can tell me if he thinks I am getting a little to big or tell me he is really not a fan of my make up or weave (luckily I don't wear much of either!), etc. BUT he can not (or shall I say BETTER NOT) tell me that I have to maintain a certain weight to be with him. Or wear my hair this way and that's the way it is!" He can hit the road with that theory! In an essence that is a way to control me and I don't like that. You marry for better or worse and all that comes with it. As for the woman, what kind of life is that to live when you are always worrying about your appearance (meaning his approval literally) for your man? You are living a life of fear. What if you do gain 10 pounds? What if you do feel like going natural (no perm) and wearing your fro on a Saturday? What if you don't feel like putting on blush and foundation today? Then what? He's gonna flip out? He's gonna leave you? Why would you let yourself be controlled like that? I would sit down and have a serious talk with my husband. Let him know how you feel about his requirements and how it effects you in every way. Make him hear you and go from there.

I will say this one last thing, I don't have a perm and although my husband doesn't mind my natural hair - he doesn't like it in it's natural state. He prefers me to wear it straight. But guess what!! I do both. I wear it straight and I wear it natural because it's what's best for my hair. He will be alright! He is not going anywhere because my hair is nappy (uhem thick and curly), he didn't marry me because of my hair but because he loved me for me. And I am now singing, "I am not my hair...." Just like you aren't your weight, hair, makeup requirements!! Who are you? Or are you just what he wants you to be? Now I knew when I got married, the physical things that my husband liked and I do those things (when I can), because of course I want him to look at me and smile. BUT he doesn't make me do a doggone thing!


Anonymous said...

Wow...this is a MESS...REQUIREMENTS on weight, hair, etc??? This is seriously insane!! My hubby does not like braids, my natural hair and the sort...however, I don't really care. I don't like his BALDNESS but I'm not going to go crazy over it. As for weight...I'm not losing any weight for anyone other than myself...if he doesn't like it, then he can sing this song with me "hit the road jack and don't ya come back no more"!! Love the BLOG chick!!

Da Brothas Corner said...

The only one that is perfect is Jesus all of us are faint as a vapor compared to him. So no Godly man would require his wife to meet certain requirements. It is important that both hubby and wife stay pleasing to one another, cause I see it all the time wifey gets sick, pregnant or gains weight hubby starts dipping. Its not about her physical appearence but usually cuz she dont feel sexy anymore.

Tsunamie said...

Ms Dee says, A couple things immediately sticks out for me. First, it's bringing stress to her to keep up his requirements, and Second she has difficulty talking to him about it. In your marital relationship you should find comfort, peace, and security. That's the last place where stress should be. Also, your mate "should" be your best friend where you should be able to discuss anything with. I can see having preferences and working out or looking my best to make my man proud and keep him smiling and on fire for me..which by the way goes both ways! But requirements! Is it a marriage or the marines!! Seems like the sister need to have a long talk with Mr., and girl if his love is that conditional you have a lot of soul searching to do..."The Word of God says husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church" so much so He laid down His life for her...Whew this really struck a cord in me LoL...

Mr. Man said...

1 Corinthians 13:4 & 11
4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres

11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.

To truly love a woman one has to be a man. If a man is giving out these requirements then that is a sign that he is really a boy. That is how kids in high school act. When a woman is treated like a Queen, trust she will want to act & dress like one. The outer appearance is ever changing. That is the plot of life. It’s what fills the heart that normally stays the same. If you have a Godly wife then the Holy Spirit will speak to her heart about what she should or should not do. As far as weight goes it’s about being in good health, which should be the concern. The vow says for better of worse, in sickness or health so that means going the distance. And don’t forget as men we need to work on getting rid of the double standard. Don’t expect your wife to keep looking like she did in high school and you are constantly getting thicker yourself. So it’s a two way street. Let’s look good for one another. But at the same time, love each other unconditionally.
Mr Man.

Anonymous said...

This is insane. All that I can say about a man like that is that he is insecure in who he is and is attempting to keep up an appearance for others. My husband has a friend who is not so attractive and from my understanding when they were younger he didn't get any play and was broke. All that being said, once he got a decent job that was paying quite well he bought a nice house and stated that he remembers when he didn't have anything all these women that want him now didn't want him. Instead of finding someone who loves him for him he went back to his country and found a woman that he felt met the expectations of others. Though she is not what I would consider pretty or even cute, he feels that her appearance will cause others to think that he has "arrived". In my opinion and my opinion only this woman married him to get out of her own situation, "poverty". The womans husband that this topic is based on sounds like the same type; someone who is insecure, with low self esteem and a warped sense of reality. To avoid being confrontational she might want to question some of the things he does and says in a fun loving manner and see what his reactions are. If he is dead set on forcing her to live up to these unrealistic expectations she should ask him what would happen if she were to become ill and unable to do all that he requires. It sounds to me that this man will be gone with the wind. She should shut the door fast behind him if he does flee.

Side Note:
His behavior is going to cause her to stress out and possibly become depressed if she isn't already.

Chrissy said...

I have to agree with you all. I know that my husband likes me to look a certain way and I do those things but I've always done those things which is why he was initially attracted to me.

I try to maintain a certain weight because it's important to me. I don't wear much makeup becase I just don't. I know this is what he likes but that's who I've always been. Even when I've gained weight here and there (ladies, we've all been there) he still tells me that I'm sexy and he doesn't care about that and I know he means it. I'm not 21 anymore and after 2 (almost 3) kids my body just ain't what it use to be but I do still make an effort. Again, because I want to, not for him.

If it's Saturday morning and I decide to run errands in a hat and sweats, he better not say a word to me about it. He married me for me as I married him for him. All of the physical stuff is just a bonus. Besides, who has that kind of time? I know I don't. I take care of the kids, the house and whatever is leftover is for me, which is ususally not much.

Ari said...

I think having actual physical "requirements" is way too much, but this idea could also be taken in the wrong way. While your spouse should never disrespect you or put you down, I don't think it's completely unreasonable for them to expect that you at least make an effort to maintain your appearance, body, hygiene, health, etc. as you did when you first started dating. This goes for the men as well as the women!

Of course, post-baby bodies and baldness do happen. But for the most part, you once cared enough to "impress" that person in the beginning and why should that concern go to the wayside when you are married?

Bottom line - your spouse should love you unconditionally, but doing what you can to make each other happy should still be important, even if it's only once in a while.

By the way, great job on the blog! :-)

Metropolitan said...

While it would never occur to my husband to have requirements for my physical appearance, I know that he cares about how I look. Neither of us looks the same as we did on our wedding day, but I do what I can to remain healthy and happy.

Perhaps the man with the established requirements is taking it a little far, but I think we all have expectations. It's easy to say that love from your spouse should be unconditional, but what about attraction?

I have a male friend whose first wife gained over a hundred pounds within their first two years of marriage (no children). He didn't care about the weight but she became so unhappy that they eventually divorced.

Be happy, healthy and look good for yourself and you may even inspire your husband to do the same.

Lotta said...

Well my Hubby does not have any 'requirements' for me!! I wish he would!! LOL!! But He does love and accept me for me....Just I do the same. But, I do strive to look nice for him, after all, men do appreciate 'their women looking good', really who don't?? I know I had put on a few pounds over the past year, but my hubby didn't say loose weight...he did not mind. I am now loosing the weight for myself, because it is something I want to do for myself--1st and my family. I want to be there for my family. Also, as someone who was always thin, it is very difficult to be overweight. BUT I was unhappy SO I decided for myself THIS is what I NEEDED to do for myself!! The end result my hubby will have a confident and sexy wife, BUT that will be because that is how I feel. All in all I have been there, but my hubby never said anything about my weight, just that he liked me "thick" lol which was nice. I Love my Hubby dearly and would not trade in for anything in the world. You have to build that relationship and be secure with who you are.

LADY G said...

The husband who has physcial requirements for his wife is nothing, but a married man who wants and desires a trophy wife. He expects his trophy wife to abide by his set standards of rules to make damn sure her hair is the way he wants her hair styled. He wants his wife to dress a particular way, according to his standards. He has an acquired set of requirements that his trophy wife must abide by, therefore adding additional stress to the marriage. So, is the marriage based on physical requirements only or just simplying loving your wife regardless of his required physical standards? Can a husband truly love his wife in spite of his physical requirements?