Thursday, July 29, 2010

When is it the right time to introduce your children to the man you are dating?

I know this is not necessarily a question for married women if you are married NOW? But you could have been in this situation before you got married or help a single lady who is going through this as we speak. It was actually a co-worker who gave me this question.

If you have children, let's say 2 for example, and you start seeing a nice man....when should you introduce him to your children? Now I am not the expert in this category, I just have an opinion. Now if he's just a friend like a co-worker and he will never be anything serious, I don't see the harm in bringing a new friend around - but even then you still have to be careful because children get attached. With that same sentiment in mind "children get attached" I think it's very important that you don't introduce them to your children (a guy you are interested in dating) until you are sure you really want to officially DATE him and vice versa. I don't think it's cool that every time a lady gets a new boo the kids meet him and they see mama hugged up on Leroy in March and Travis in May. I know relationships don't always work out but again because children get attached I would really want to get to know him (without having sex!) on a certain level first. Pay attention to him in great detail; how does he treat people, his family members, his nieces and nephews, his friends.

And then when you do introduce them to your children - pay attention to your children, because we all smile in the beginning. Even on the flip side - have you ever been the new girlfriend and had to meet his children? You were probably nervous, didn't know what to say, and wanted them to like you. So you smiled and played the nice role, but when you left - you best believe that child told their daddy if they like you or not, and the same with your children. Sometimes children, many times pre-teens/teens can see things we can't see because we like the guy so much! I know I got all off subject....sorry.

Steve Harvey (if I heard him correctly) says you should introduce him as soon as you start dating. WHY? Because he feels that they guy needs to know that he is dating you and your children! Not just you. And when he dates you for so long without meeting the children and vice versa, you get used to the person and relationship without children. So now you add children and sometimes that changes the dynamic of the relationship. He makes a good point. So we kind of said two different things, but I am interested in what your thoughts and experiences are.


V.E.L.A. Beauty said...

As a single mom now, my suggestion is this: use the wisdom of the Holy Spirit. If your friend is not a Christian, then she will be making this judgement on her own wisdom. By the fourth date, you should know if this guy is serious about you and you two should be mutually exclusive to each other (without having sex). At this time, a casual meeting is due. I'd gradually include the children in the dating because they become attached.

Perhaps having group dates in the beginning with the children is another way to go about it so that the focus is not on Mommy and her boyfriend, but on the kids having fun and seeing how the other person interacts with them. This is not ideal for a first date, but okay for a third or fourth date (if you've thoroughly scoped this guy out).

When I date, there are certain "trigger" questions that I ask so that I can get a deeper picture of whom I am dealing with. I ask these on prior to and on a first date so as not to waste my time and my babysitting money on seeing him again only to find out he's not worth it. Choose carefully in the beginning.

wife K said...

wife I think you and steve are saying the same thing but it is base on how far you are into dating and the type of relationship you have with your children as pre/teens they will understand and should want to meet who you are dating to see how mommy does what she expects out of them. So a time frame could be used just the same four weeks(30 days)which equal up to that third or fourth date as v.e.l.a beauty spoke on.

Anonymous said...

As a product of a single mom who dated...I have a child's perspective. I met most...if not all of my mom's "boyfriends"! I mean some of them ended up living with us, which was sooooo not cool. To me, she didn't even know them that well. I think that children should not have to "date" every man that mom dates. If your child meets every "serious" guy after the 4th date...then guess what, there's gonna be a lot of them. We all think that "guys" or "girls" are the "one", but they turn out to be the "last one"! I think children should be left out of the equation until both parties are exclusively dating and serious about having a future. And then I didn't wanna meet any of them then. I'm divorced from my child's father, and she will not be meeting any of my suitors unless I feel that they are worthy. I don't need her getting attached to a man who doesn't plan on being here for the long haul. Just one black girl's opinion though! Be Blessed WIFE's!