Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How do you deal with your NEW husband when you have a child from a previous marriage and the EX-husband was forbidden to see the children for certain reasons.

This question is a tough one because I didn't come up with this one. It was emailed to me by a faithful WIFE follower and wanted to pose it to you all. I stared at this question for a long time and asked myself, "What does she mean, 'What about the new husband?'" Does she mean, how does he discipline his new step child or children, how does he approach the children with certain things, how does he start to act like a new father, how does he act now that the EX-husband may be ready to come back around? So many questions.

Well I (who is not an expert!) think that you should first have a talk with the new husband alone about his expectations and desires for the marriage concerning the children. That should have been done before the "I do's" by the way. And I think you need to have a talk with the children, out of the presence of the new husband. I say this because, it's important to hear the heart of your children's needs, desires, fears and concerns. They may not be as open if he is there. After hearing your children out, I think you should reassure them that they are still on your priority list and they are not going to be second fiddle because you are now married again BUT they must understand that the new husband loves them too (I hope he does!). Then you should have a discussion as entire family and be open and set ground rules. If he is willing to step up and be their father, then let him. What does the EX have to do with it. If the EX hasn't been around and is on his way back with visitation, SO WHAT! He hasn't been there and now you have a new husband. Let their real father be their father (because you shouldn't keep him away) and let their new father love them too. Don't play the EX and NEW against each other. Don't talk about either one of them to the children. The children should be the focus and concern. It's almost like you need to be like Will, Jada and his ex-wife, putting aside the difference for the betterment of the children. It's simpler said than done because of men and their ego's but that's my two cents. I hope other women shed more light.

Thanks for the question!


Anonymous said...

don't really understand how to answer the question. why was ex not allowed to see the children.

Mr. Man. said...

I am not really sure of the question. But I will try to answer the question I think you are asking. In any situation there has to be ground rules. I think it needs to be discussed way before the kids are involved as to how each of you view raising kids. I personally don’t believe in the word step- kids. Once you step in to the role of husband the step should be dropped and they become your children. After all the bible say you are to be come one. With that being said, the ex husband should also be made aware of his role. He is not being replaced as a father but instead he now has a partnership in raising the kids. Remember the African proverb which states that "It takes a village to raise a child. As long as the kids are not being mistreated it should not be a problem. And we all know that the age of the children makes a difference. Kids will try to play parents against each other step or other wise. What happens in your house should stay in your house. If the ex realizes that he is not going to be allowed to disrupt your house hold he will back down. His only concern should be the welfare of the kids. Your question has many topics all roll in one. I'm not sure if you are asking about how step -kids should be treated or how to deal with the ex-husband. And it also brings to mind the child support issue. If child support is being paid that change the subject a little. And what about the mom that create issue so that you can't have a good relationship with your child. Again, I am answering the question I think the you are asking.

Mr. Man

OakSummers said...

Anonymous said it best: Why wasn't the ex allowed to see the children?
No offense, but you posted this and you STILL overlooked that. So instead of saying that men have egos; it sounds to me like this woman's nuts!
A lot of women can't separate the husband/bf from the father, and decide on their own that if he wasn't a good mate then he can't be a good dad either... but that's a blog for another day.

It still sounds like she's a woman who either 1) Put's a man above her kids; or 2) Lives thru her kids. I'd bet #1 though.