Wednesday, November 10, 2010

"My WIFE still talks to her EX-LOVER more than I really want her too!" HELP

Today I wanted to talk about something different so I posted today's Strawberry Letter from The Steve Harvey Morning show! This issue is reverse, because it's from the husband worried about a "special friendship" his wife is having.............read below and comment if you can (click on the pencil).

Dear Steve, I am a 42 year old man and have been married to my wife "Lisa" for 15 years. Lisa is 43 and we have 4 children. Lisa is a good wife and I believe I am a loving husband. Here is my problem: Lisa has occasional telephone conversations with an ex-lover and it bothers me. Before we were married, Lisa told me that she and "Larry" were friends from college and the three of us even met for lunch once. When I asked her if Larry was an old boyfriend she said no. About a year later, she admitted to me that before she and I met, she had a sexual relationship with Larry. I asked her why she lied and told me that Larry wasn't an old boyfriend. She said that she didn't lie because she never "dated" Larry; they were just friends with benefits. Now she says she and Larry are just friends (without benefits) and that she would never cheat on me. But since she slept with him before when they weren't dating, I don't like her talking to him now. Steve, am I being unreasonable? Signed, Feeling Jealous

This is a good one. Do I think she is cheating? I don't know and neither does the husband. Right now at least he is being honest that he is feeling jealous of their now renewed friendship after so many years. I think even if they didn't have sex in the past, he would still be jealous and have a reason to worry. Should he be worried? In a way, yes and in a way, no. The letter doesn't give enough details. It says she has an occasional phone conversation with a guy she went to college with, who she had sex with when they were in college. Then he goes on to explain their (the wife and the friends) past. The main thing is - how often is occasional? Is it daily, weekly, monthly? If she is 43, college was at least 20 years ago. You don't think she could have moved on from the past and truly just be cool with him now? Or are you thinking from the male perspective that men can't really be friends with a woman and he really wants something from her?

Is it just talking on the phone? Do they ever meet for lunch? What are they talking about? I will say it could easily turn into an emotional affair for her. You have been married for 15 years and whether you think you are a good husband or not - you don't know what she is lacking in the relationship from you. He could talk to her about things you can't. Not saying it's ok to keep this friendship going because of my last statement. I am really just saying, if it bothers you to that extent you need to really sit down and discuss her need to talk to him so frequently and what is she getting out the conversation. Ask her if she is still happy with you? Ask her have you become complacent in your actions towards her (doing the same thing and not trying anything new). Express your unease about their friendship and see if she is willing to slow down (way down) communication with him. But can you really ask your spouse to never speak to an ex again? That's a whole other topic. I mean your spouse is grown and how are you going to forbid them from speaking to anyone EVER AGAIN because YOU basically can't handle it. So many times you hear, "It's not you I don't trust, it's them!" Well, if you really trust the one you are with, then trust that if they do ever talk to an ex they will do the right thing BECAUSE YOU TRUST THEM. Or do you really trust them? Hmmmmmmmm

(To sum it up, she shouldn't be talking to him so frequently, daily or weekly, if it bothers you to that extent - maybe once a year.) Just my thoughts feel free to share your own.

14 comments:

Chrissy said...

I can see his point but the fact that his wife has introduced them and has been open about the fact that they communicate makes me think he has nothing to worry about. My husband always tells me "you don't ever have to worry about me cheating but especially not with someone I've been with - been there done that". I guess that makes sense as I feel the same way. The past is the past. I don't think they should be talking frequently (even if they weren't ex-lovers). It's just inappropriate. At least I think so. He shouldn't ask her to end her friendship or to stop speaking with him but I would hope that if his wife knows how it upsets him, she would cut back out of respect for her husband.

Mr. Man said...

Ok here we go. With the little information that is given. It’s hard to really know what is going on. But there are a few things that stand out. If there was nothing to hide why did she lie at first? Was it the fear of what questions may be asked? Or was it because she needed time to make sure their answers would be the same if certain questions are asked. Women are so much smarter than men that they can have an affair and keep it hush while it’s in the open. They set up boundaries in the beginning and also get enough info (ammo) in case it’s needed. Most women also think out all different scenarios ahead of time. And to have lunch with them together, well who would introduce their lover to their husband/spouse? Ever heard of can’t see the trees for the forest.
So they never dated just had benefits. This means that there were no strings attached. Hummmmmmmmm. In most cases men don’t just hang around their ex for friendship. And men are always looking for a crack in another man’s armor. (When dealing with an ex).So when she get mad or is having an issue he will listen to her problems. Look let’s be real a man will hang around for years for the occasion benefit. Can a man be just a friend? Yes, But it’s not the norm and an ex lover well that’s a very rare situation. And what if they are talking way more than the husband knows about Or maybe they “accidently “bump in to each other from time to time. No harm right? They are just friends.
The trust issue is a very gray area. There is a thin line between trust & denial. Is God in the relationship? Was it something that happened that was not mentioned into the letter that caused the trust issues? And why invite trouble into your relationship when we all know that it’s plenty of it that will come uninvited. Does this ex have a woman & if so does she know about his talking with his ex from time to time. I doubt it.
I’m just saying.
MR. Man.

Anonymous said...

If they were never in a serious relationship and this was somebody she was just having sex with then what is the need of having to talk to an ex. She prob still has feelings or there would not be a need to even communicate. I don't see the point. There is more to it. And her introducing her husband to him means nothing at all. She can still be meeting him for whatever. If you are happy in your relationship why do you need to keep up with an ex lover?

Anonymous said...

The truth is what's really going on?
Men love to play the victim role. Why is his wife still in contact with her ex friend? What is the husband not doing? If a man gives his woman all she needs she has not reason to confide in another man for friendship or anything else.

Some chick! said...

I have to agree with the last statement - what is the husband not doing? BUT I must say, just because you had sex 20 years ago, you can still just be friends. But the thing about her is that she is talking to him frequently. I think the husband is lacking somewhere. So instead of telling her to simply stop talking to him, he might need to evaluate his part in this.

Tif said...

I agree with the last two comments If her husband is so worried about this ex friend. He needs to ask hisself a ? "What am I not doing?" He is not telling the whole truth about this issue. Is he cheating? but is trying to get advice about her to validate his reasons for what he is doing? or what?

Anonymous said...

I agree with sone of the comments, I say what if it was the other way around, his wife would flip out.

Anonymous said...

If the guy has trust, then it should not bother him who she talks to. If he doesn't trust her, then he should get a divorce. The way I look at it, I trust my spouse. I don't have to check in on what she does or who she talks to. If she finds some other guy and moves on, so be it. If she takes specific actions that make me not trust, then I need to take appropriate action, whatever that is. I think a lot of times this situation is caused by the person being insecure; often the side effect of insecurity in a relationship is to try to control the other person.

Anonymous said...

Women these days are dirty dogs as bad if not worse than men. That said, she should break off communication with the ex-lover and honor her husband. If she doesnt love her husband then give him the honor of telling him instead of cheating...emotional, mental, or physical cheating is still cheating! If she loved the man enough to marry him then be a good wife and honor her husband and forsake ALL other cleaving only to her husband. Marriage is hard enough without causing more stress that can be avoided. Be smart, she should honor your husband. If they husband is doing something that causes her to dishonor him, then shame on him and she should confront him.

Anonymous said...

Amen last comment

The unseen truth said...

I agree with the last comment those of you that think your spouse would never cheat on you will be sadly surprised when that time comes. It happens more often than you could possibly imagine, and if you say to yourself if she finds someone else than you my friend truly have no soul and should never get married. Sometimes a women forgets your value and takes for granted what your worth. Me being a committed husband and knowing what is said by married men behind closed doors is my validation of the way most men think and it will surprise women how almost most married men will cheat or have cheated. So my answer to this question is most certainly yes a married women should never be friends with an ex period.....

Anonymous said...

I agree ....

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