Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Plea for HELP! "My Husband has stopped......!"

Good morning ladies,

I hope you have been well. I received this email yesterday from a woman about her husband and how he has changed. They have only been married two years and she is already going through it. She told me it was fine to put the email on this blog in hopes that other married women will give their viewpoint or perspective. Please read this and feel free to share. You never know what another woman is going through and you never know how your story can help change theirs.

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I have been married 2 years.  I saw your blogs and I had to talk about my life with my husband.I don’t know what to do about him, though. He acts like he don’t even want to give me a say in anything we do, he  doesn’t respect me, like when I don’t want to be touched, he does it anyway, like at night, he always touches some place on me and I can’t sleep. And he seems to be agreeing with everyone else about me and seems to love his mother more than he loves me, and makes me feel like I’m just a bad wife. And also, I want to ask a question- when your husband is done with sex you tell him not to continue but he does, can that be considered rape?  I don’t want a divorce, but I’m frustrated and honestly needing something more from him than he’s giving me right now. I do want to hold on to him, and I have patience, but honestly he’s testing me and I am feeling ready to separate from him.  I love him, but he’s really testing me, and I find myself asking where did the sweet man I married go? What do I do to make it better? I want both of us to be happy.


Jonelle Nobbee said...

Sounds like you are finally to the point of your marriage where it begins to get "real" and the "fantasy" that we all think marriage is begins to fade distantly to black.

Girl, marriage is definitely not for the faint of heart. I have literally had some sort of issue with my man for pretty much the entire length of our marriage. We've been married for 14 years! I love my husband, we got married when I was 20 and, honestly, I was just a kid running away from problems at home with my overbearing parents. I got pregnant almost immediately, and added 2 more as the marriage progressed. Our problems stem from different religious backgrounds (He's muslim, I am Christian) different cultural backgrounds (he is from Trinidad, I am from PA) and he is more the provider, type A personality and I am the free spirited artist.

Okay, so you have the background. In the beginning of our marriage until maybe about 1 year ago, I felt like he wasn't "listening" to me and he is definitely a mama's boy. I always felt like he was trying to control everything I did and held me back because he secretly wanted the subordinate wife. It has taken a lot of talking, counseling, reading, and trials for us to finally be where we are today, which is understanding that, A.) you can't change anybody but you can figure out how to get what you need from the person without force or divorce. B.) Understanding what makes the other person tick is extremely important in understanding who they are and "why" they do what they do. And C.) Communication is KEY!! As women, we have a tendency to just let things boil up inside of us without taking it to the source. We don't give the other person a chance to change, and that's not fair. I believe that he doesn't want to hurt you or make you cry or "go through it," so if you just voice you fears and angst, he may be understanding and work on him.

I suggest taking the Carl Jung test of personalities. Just google him and it will come up. Ask your man to take it too and you both will learn what and who the other person is. It's very insightful.

Seek the Lord!!! I don't know what religious background you are, but prayer, meditation, and scripture can aid in the fight against the Devil and everything he does to try and throw us off our game. It is amazing how much he is into everything we do. And, sis, if you have done everything and he still is being disrespectful and not allowing you your space in the bedroom, tell him it is rape and that he's not being righteous in his actions towards your body. We still have rights, no matter what the situation. I can only give you this advice, because we all have different ways of walking things out with our men. We do the best we can, and pray it bears fruit. I love you and peace to you sister. If you want to contact me, I am Jonelle Nobbee on facebook. Request me and tell me who you are!!! Peace and blessings:)

Anonymous said...

Ok you have the signs n reality in seeking in seek counseling NOW!!!!!!!! and address this now before it gets worst .. If he agrees to go then stay n work it out... If he does not go leave ... N stop wasting your time!! Cause this is serious!!!!

toshadevon said...

Wow...I hate to advise leaving...but wow...I don't like the blatant disrespect issue with him and your body/sex...that's not very good...Seek counseling and PRAY ABOUT IT...I will pray for you as well.

Anonymous said...

Sis, I agree with the previous comments counseling would be quite helpful if he is willing. In marriage both parties have to give 100% effort for it to work. The blatant disrespect is definitely not good. Scripture speaks that a man should love his wife as Christ loves the Church. Since he is not honoring your feelings you need to find out where he stands with the success of your marriage then get him to put his money where his mouth is and get to work at it. At no time accept disrespect or mistreatment. I would not advise leaving until you have exhausted all resources. Firstly and Finally pray....

Southern Wifey said...

Rape - Seize or take against your will. Whether you are married or not sex against your will is RAPE. Now I will say I have been married for some time now and I have only actually told my husband no twice. You ask what should you do... First and foremost pray that God would help you to be the Wife that you should be and likewise for your husband. I would also recommend having a heart to heart with him alone. Share your email with him.... Do not dump on him all at once... With men you have to take it slow... say "when you do this xxx I feel xxx. He me be unhappy with the marriage himself. Life is to short why be miserable... if you can not work it out between the both of you agree to move on.

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