Monday, October 25, 2010

Her mother said, "If you want a husband, you gotta start having sex!"

On my way home from taking my daughter to school I turned on the Steve Harvey Morning show, and heard the strawberry letter. Read below:

I am a beautiful, shy, intelligent 27 year old virgin who recently ended a 6 months relationship with my boyfriend that I met online. I started online dating again and communicated with this guy that we have a lot of shared interest. Conversation was good until we started talking about our views on premarital sex. I told him that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex of any kind. He told me that most men want sex and that he needs to feel close to the person that he is in a relationship with. His previous relationship ended because his girlfriends stop having sex with him. He told me that he respects my views, so he feels our relationship would not work. I told my mother the situation and she agreed with the guy, she jokingly hinted that I should have premarital sex or I might end up alone. She said that it is rare to find a man that would wait until marriage to have sex. Is this true and are my standards set too high? My mother also thinks that I will be missing out on a good guy for me if I do not start sleeping with these guys before marriage. I am confuse, and I don't know what to think. I fear that I might end up alone if I don't change my views. Society glorifies premarital sex and looks down on you if you are a virgin at a certain age. I read your book and I know you said that guys like standards but is my standard unreasonable? Thank you.

The thing that shocked me the most were the comments that came from her mother. You would expect something like that from friends (sometimes) or even guys, but your mother? Usually the mother is the main one, telling her daughter to hold on to her values. It just really surprised me. I am Christian and try to live my life with those standards (that doesn't mean I am perfect, I have done wrong before and it's a chance I will again). With that being said, I would not ever push my daughter into something that is immoral based on values. Having sex before marriage is not against the law but based on beliefs (of what the lady who wrote the letter believes) its a standard she has set for herself. Most mothers (parents) have a desire to raise their children better than how they were raised. Even if they had a great childhood, a parent would raise them with their great values (they grew up with) and add to that. To hear a mother who has a child - who is actually striving to maintain certain values and not settle - actually tell her that maybe she should go against this standard to get something (that may or may not happen) was unsettling. How many guys have you had sex with? How many proposed? Just asking.

Steve Harvey gave great advice. I gave the same advice but nobody heard me because I was in my car talking to the radio. Steve said that she should not give in. If she set standards for herself, she should not lower her standards because a man is threatening to walk away. If she was dating this man for 6 months and he is willing to walk away because she won't give him sex, than he really doesn't love her (because if he did he would wait) and maybe he is not HER man (meaning not the one for her.). One good point that was brought up, did she discuss her choice before they got to deeply involved? I would not wait 6 months to tell a guy I don't want to have sex before marriage but I wouldn't tell him on the first date either. Somewhere in between the first kiss and the first sex conversation. Another great point that was brought up, was that the guy has a right to also want what he wants. Which is true. If he has standards that he requires or desires sex before marriage then he has that right. The tussle come in because - who is going to bend on their requirements or standards? You or Him? If you waited 27 years to have sex and after 6 months a guy threatens to leave if you don't give it up - is it (your virginity) worth keeping or giving? What if you give it up and he still doesn't marry you? What if he does? Is it worth a try?

The other main issue here is that so many women lower their standards now-a-days for fear of not getting or keeping a man. It's a difference between standards and compromise. For example, if you hate potato salad but your man loves it, you can compromise. He can not eat it around you or not expect for you to cook it. But it's nothing to break up over. But say you don't have a desire to smoke. For me, any man that smokes is my personal deal breaker. It's a health thing, plus it stinks and the second hand issues. So [single] ladies, know your standards/deal-breakers versus what you are willing to compromise and stick with it. You deserve to be happy because marriage is hard enough when he is the one, and when he is the perfect one for you! Can you imagine what marriage will be like if you gave in - in the beginning of the relationship for fear or because you thought you could change that man! (OMG that is another blog - changing a man!)


Mr. Man. said...

Wow. I wonder who raised her mom & how did her life turn out. It’s funny because my daughter just got married and she is twenty-seven. The next day we all met up at the I-Hop for breakfast. We all got there around one. And the last ones to arrive were my daughter & son –in-law. Of cause everyone started joking about why they were late. So I immediately stop them saying that is still my little girl and I don’t want to hear that. Of cause it was all in fun. But I am also glad that she is married and that her husband is a good man and they are in church. I just don’t understand why or how a mother could give that kind of advice to her daughter. The truth is that once her virginity is gone she can’t get it back. And if she did give in to that man it would in no way guarantee that they would be married. Even though it would not be the easiest thing to do true love will wait. And if she compromise on that that will set the standard for the whole relationship. I don’t know if it is my age or if maturity just sits in after a while but I have found out that intimacy is only as good as the relationship. If you want true intimacy work on the mental and let the physical follow. If the physical part of a relationship is the top priory then that is a problem from the start. And on the other hand if she has waited this long and was still willing to be with him regardless of his past, knowing he had not waited. Maybe she was already compromising.
I‘m just saying.

RyansWifey said...

That is really sad.
I had sex with 4 men before I had sex with my husband. (and i was only 19 when we met)..My husband was the third man to propose to me.
I wish with all my being that he had been my first but I was not raised with those values.
I am now a Christian and I regularly attend church. My mother is the last person I ask advice from regarding anything because her values are just soooooo diff from mine. I ask other Christian wives for advise.
Good for her for waiting. And if it means she never gets married than that means it wasn't in the lords plan. I do think she should stop Internet dating and go thru a Christian dating service. Online hookups are usually pretty sexual.